When the Smoke ‘Clairs’

“Just because someone carries it well, doesn’t mean it’s not heavy”-Unknown

Man o man, it’s been a minute! Welcome back..to all of us! First off, life has been lifing like a mo’fo for the longest while and it seemed almost impossible to see any glimmer of light through all the smoke. I’ve come on here so many times since my last post but I just could not find the motivation to type even a character. Not because I have nothing to say, quite the contrary actually! But, let’s get into it!

I disappeared because I have been going through one of my most important transitions yet..healing. Yes, we know healing is a journey, it’s not linear, it’s not immediate; it’s quite the roller coaster, and for someone who hates roller coasters I’ve been on this one for about 9 years too long. However, I don’t think there’s much I would change about my journey now that I’ve made it to the other side.

One of my favourite things about myself (that developed over time) is that I try to be as self aware as possible. Honestly, for anyone wanting to start their healing journey, just so you know, self awareness is of utmost importance. With self awareness, accountability comes easier; which many times we avoid because of how uncomfortable and ‘ugly’ it makes us feel. I’ve gone through many stages of healing throughout my journey, each stage bringing me closer to overall peace.

Now, let’s take it back a bit. I started 2023 completely hopeless. I did not even make a vision board or think of a plan for any aspect of my life. For me 2023 was just another miserable year I’d be forced to live a life I didn’t ask to have.

Just before my birthday I decided to work on my relationship with God. I’m no stranger to faith/christianity, I mean, I grew up Anglican, went to church every Sunday, was confirmed at 13 and served as an acolyte. But what I didn’t have was a very personal relationship with him, so I became more intentional about how I prayed, the thoughts I had, and the words I spoke. This was the start of great change!

Now, to my birthday; I didn’t plan or want to do anything because of how depressed I was. I didn’t wanna dress up or even take pictures..I didn’t even order a cake. Anyway, one of my friends, who is BIG on birthdays, was not having it! She ‘let me’ skip out on the pics, but I was instructed to get dressed up because I’m not staying home, she’s taking me to dinner.

I went with it but still was NOT in the best mood. To cut a long story short, my friends had organized the most beautiful surprise birthday dinner/party for me, with a whole theme (rising from the ashes) AND colour coordination (everybody wore black)! Y’all..I CRIED! There were people in that room who I had no idea how they got in touch! Well, let’s just say that surprise served a purpose way bigger than celebrating my birthday. It came at a time when I felt so alone, and yes, I wasn’t but if you’ve been depressed then you get it. If you don’t get it, be very grateful!

When I got home that night I cried a whole lot more, apologized to God for being blind to my blessings, and then thanked him for showing me in my darkest hour, that I was indeed not alone. After that night, I approached every day with gratitude, every situation with him in the lead, and everyone with grace (including myself).

Now we’re approaching the end of 2024 and so much has happened since. I can’t wait to share more of the “in between(s)” and the “what’s to come(s)”. I could go on and on here, but that will be a mini novel, so all I will say is GOD IS GOOD..all the time!

For now, this is where I’ll leave you, but stay tuned because there’s so much more to come.

“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be”-Unknown

Thank you for reading, see you soon..for real this time!

-Mo